The Daily Sophisticate - Latest Comments

Re: What Had Happened Was..

linda — Mon, 11 May 2009 13:50:38 -0000

when you say basics what exactly do you mean? there may be a point of view issue here. for example, what if you meet a guy and he decides to only tell you the "BASICS" as the relationship gets serious let's say...2 yrs into the relationship you find out he has a kid, he happened to leave out that information because he felt as if it wasn't basic information. how would you feel?
example #2, you're a guy and you meet a beautiful woman things are going well, and she only decides to tell you the basics. as the relationship goes on you decide to take her to a family bbq, there you find out she dated your cousin for 2 yrs and was engaged to be married to him before they broke it off.
the way you start of a relationship will determine the climate of that relationship for as long as you two are together. your mother tried to give you advice but unfortunately it is the wrong advice. if i were you i would try and evaluate her relationship with her husband and her family members. i'm guessing you will find that your mother's relationships are unbalanced because she has practiced this dishonest behavior and is trying to train you..her daughter to do the same. please do not follow in her footsteps

Re: What Had Happened Was..

jessica — Mon, 04 May 2009 14:17:09 -0000

i cannot agree with the original post. if you truly love someone and you truly want to spend the rest of your life with that person, why not tell the truth about everything! it also depends on the situation, if you are dating just to date and you are not interested in ever getting married or serious then yea it's ok to just keep it at the basics. but if the relationship is more that just a basic relationship it's best to be truthful about yourself and your past. as someone else said there are many reason why people lie, i believe that ppl lie because they are worried about what their partner will think and how that information will be interpreted. i believe that if you keep quiet it's on the same level as being a liar. so ladies let's not lie, lets not keep secrets. at this age we seem to think that the past stays in the past, not true, as you grow older any secrets you may try to hide will reveal itself. i'm also worried about this so call "keeping quiet" system, i feel that it can become a habit, that habit being lying. i believe that it is key to be truthful and open in a relationship from the beginning. if not you will find yourself in an unhappy relationship.

Re: And you say he/she’s just a friend..

Andy — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 09:48:11 -0000

I have two opinions on this topic:

1) I definitely believe that men and women can be friends with absolutely NO strings attached.

2) I do NOT believe that ex's work as friends. Ex's may be a good for emergency backup penis but if the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship did not work well for this couple, then why would the friendship?

Re: And you say he/she’s just a friend..

miss davis — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 11:45:34 -0000

in another time and place, i would absolutely say i could be friends with an ex but, i'm not even sure i can be friends with a person of the opposite sex.

i have been in several situations (because according to many i'm one of those girls that has a hard time making friends with other girls. i think i just have a hard time making friends period, and boys are usually a little more accepting of new people than girls, maybe i'm wrong, but whatever, you get the point.) where i thought i was just friend's with a boy, but either they had different intentions, or the outside world perceived it as something more.

in the first situation (of me being friends with a boy), we ended up dating, and breaking up in such a way that trying to salvage a friendship out of that mess is a joke, and in the last one, we're still friends, and the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship just materialized out of thin air (on valentine's day, of all days...). those in between relationships ::phew:: those are doozies. because of outside interpretation of each person's intentions, we weren't able to remain friends. and that's ok. you know the whole "reasons, seasons, lifetimes" bit.

despite my misfortune, i believe that on some levels all friendships are doable, it just depends on the people involved.

i think in jasmine and shawn's case, they were always meant to be friends, and that whole dating thing was just a bad phase. and like a bad haircut, they were able to grow out of that, and things eventually went back to the way they should have stayed. i remember there was a period of time where they didn't speak, and i'm sure that was the room they needed to get over the breakup and move on.

you know what they say, time heals all wounds. it took me some time, but i am actually friendly with boy # 1. we don't chat on the phone regularly or anything, but how we are now is much better than those days when the sight of him signing on AIM either sent me into a fit of rage or tears.

Re: And you say he/she’s just a friend..

Mica — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 16:00:57 -0000

Yes, a man and woman can be cool after ending a romantic relationship. Now I don't think "being cool" = going to the movies, making rice krispy treats, or being all up in each other's lives, especially if either one is in a relationship. It can, and in my opinion, should be kept on a very basic level - i.e. hey, I saw your mom the other day, just wanted to say hi, period. This conversation doesn't need to be more than 5 minutes, but I can say that if my boyfriend had that conversation with his ex, I really wouldn't be mad. We all have a past, and who am I to feel any sort of way about it IF IT IS KEPT RESPECTFUL? In fact, it shows a lot of maturity on your part that you and your ex have a respectful, APPROPRIATE relationship.

Re: And you say he/she’s just a friend..

Neakai — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 13:48:43 -0000

hmmm... i've been on both ends.. My answer is Heeeell to the no bobby! It's not ok.

Unnecessary drama for no reason.

You can have one ex lova friend as an exception but as soon as he/she crosses the line, use that as your example for any other time you feel the need to collect ex lovers as friends. There might be one diamond in the rough but majority of the time the other person wants something from you.

Re: And you say he/she’s just a friend..

Lindsey — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 12:53:13 -0000

Well, personally, the only reason why I'd have an issue with my current boyfriend's friendship with his ex-girlfriend is if I somehow felt threatened in some way. If his contact with her was such that....should she have a bday party, he invited us (yeah, us) - that would be fine. If he was cool with her to an extent that she called to say hello, say happy birthday, etc. -I woudln't care. If they had a cordial and friendly relationship, I wouldn't care so much either. I do believe though I can only have these attitudes toward their relationship if I'm very comfortable and confident about my relationship with this man. However, there are limits. If she's calling (all the time), they talk at inappropriate hours, or I feel as if something is off-key - then I think it's completely legitimate to have an issue with their relationship. Should the boyfriend also feel a need to keep in contact raises eyebrows as well. This is more than just being "cool" with someone. Also, should I voice the issues that I have with the nature of their relationship and my boyfriend isn't really responding to or taking notice of my concerns- this is a problem and may be an indication of a deeper problem within our own relationship. If my boyfriend and his ex conduct themselves in a way that is respectful (of my position in his life) then I don't see so much of an issue. Perhaps i'm naive in thinking this way, but I think a balance can be achieved if they happen to be in contact. There doesn't necessarily have to be two extremes- either they're all over each or they cut off total and complete contact.

Re: And you say he/she’s just a friend..

Duepayer — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 12:05:38 -0000

@Yeah Right!

yeah, what can I say...I'm slightly ghetto. lol

Re: And you say he/she’s just a friend..

Yeah Right! — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 11:36:11 -0000

@ Shawn Lee

I mad you said "you know what it is my sista" LMAO!!!!!!!

Re: And you say he/she’s just a friend..

Duepayer — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 11:23:48 -0000

Again, I'm gonna have to stunt on the both of yall and stick to my guns. I definitely see the danger in seeking advice from an ex. I ain't naive enough not to take it with a grain, no make that a pound, of salt but I do appreciate their perspective having had an intimate relationship with me. I mean let's face it, nobody can check you like an ex...

As for you Devora. You know what it is my sista. Just a lil Aquarian tussle to get the convo goin. S'all luv...

Re: And you say he/she’s just a friend..

Melissa — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 11:06:27 -0000

i 100% agree with Devora. I think it's highly HIGHLY inappropriate to still keep in touch with any ex. Whether it ended on good terms or bad, that person knows intimate details, and has shared intimacy with you on varying levels and is a definite source of discomfort for the new person in your life.

You can always know your intentions, and they may be harmless but you never know what the other person is plotting on. Yes, plotting can be the *innocent* conversations you share about your new relationship that this person may use to manipulate you into thinking certain things about your partner, or influencing you in ways that are beneficial to them, but not your current relationship.

I think no matter which way you look at it, it's bad news.

Re: And you say he/she’s just a friend..

Yeah Right! — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 11:05:22 -0000

Excuse me Shawn how dare you put me on blast! LOL but i disagree with you sir. Whatever you are your ex had in common was cool then but when you break up, find some new friends that you can have stuff in common with. It sounds harsh but I dont feel being "friends" with ex's are neccessry. I have a whole bunch of friends that i can chat it up with. I dont need to do that with my ex.

Re: And you say he/she’s just a friend..

Duepayer — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 10:47:11 -0000

I'm gonna have to respectfully disagree with Devora. I think it comes down to how you broke up with your ex. Of course, when it initially goes down most folks want nothing to do with that person. But I haven't had too many bad breakups in my life. Most of them were either mutual or something that was going to run its course eventually and I just stepped in to spare each of us the time and future heartache. Bottom line is that I always kept it real and tried to do what was in my partner's best interest and many of them eventually ended up respecting me for it in hindsight.

Now I agree that people often break up for a reason, but that only lends further credence to the argument that exes can remain platonic. Obviously you've tried to make it something more than it was meant to be and it didn't work out. But that doesn't automatically exclude the other things that you guys had in common. I don't understand the need to get rid of a kindred spirit all for the sake of "tradition" or some blanket rule that doesn't really apply to all situations. I think that if you're both mature adults and you reconnect after a certain amount of time away from the relationship there shouldn't really be a problem. Especially if you make it clear from the beginning that there won't be any attempts to rekindle that old flame. I happen to be cool with most of my exes with no ulterior motives and I'd like to believe they feel the same way...

Re: And you say he/she’s just a friend..

Yeah Right! — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 10:17:59 -0000

Excuse me but I have something to say... Call me old fashioned but I do not feel that people who are no longer in a relationship should be in contact with each other. Now, if you and this person have a child(ren) together, that is one thing. If you DO NOT, then there is really no reason to be in contact with this person. I DO NOT believe that two people who were once romantically involved with one another can all of a sudden break up and become platonic friends! PUH LEASE! People who feel the NEED to talk to an ex are people who are trying to maintain an emotional relationship or even sometimes a physical relationship. Once a relationship is over all ties should be severed. The only way to move on with your life, is to leave those past relationships in the PAST. What the hell are trying to hold to? I'll tell you...You're tyring to keep your ex around as a "just in case" person. Just in case this new relationship doesnt work, you can fall back on your ex or "safety coochie/penis" in a jar. Listen, if you are totally over a person, you will NOT have a need to communicate with them under any circumstance. Once I break up with someone, I like to move on with my life. We broke up for a reason. We were NOT platonic friends before and even if we were, once you become romantically invloved, the friendship you once had is now OVER. No more emailing, chatting on the phone, texting, myspacing, facebook, twittering or whatever else you people like to do. Have some respect for the new person you're dating. If it makes them feel uncomfortable (which most likely it will) cut off the communication with the ex. If you choose not to, then this means you are not over this person, you don't respect the new person in your life. So maybe you should re think whether or not you should be moving on at all. Maybe you should be with the ex. Don't be a sucker. Move on with your life and leave the past in the past.
Thats all.

Re: What Had Happened Was..

miss davis — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 17:10:59 -0000

i was fortunate (or unfortunate, depending on how you look at it) enough to fall in love with my friend. we were best friends while we both were in other relationships, and that bond of dating deadbeats brought us closer. :o) just kidding. but i was there through his break up, and he was there through whatever you want to call that mess i was in. he knew my past and i knew his, so there was no opportunity to hand pick the information i wanted him to know. he knows all my reckless stories, because he was my "dr. phil" (as mr. grey put it), and because he was a goodie-two-shoes, i know his TWO stories "that make you go hmmmm." when i really think about it, i didn't really have much to tell either.

he likes to make fun of me and all my supposed "shortys," and i make fun of him and those "chicks" he used to deal with before me. i don't think i could have it any other way. we're both fairly young, so we can attribute our past to that "dumb" stage in life when you're just figuring things out.

i will say, it takes a certain level of security/maturity (that i don't always display) to talk about these things, especially since we are kind of friendly with our exes, but it's not terrible.

in the end, you know what's right for your relationship, and what you and your partner can handle. sometimes secrets can be trouble, so for me, honesty (and full disclosure) is always the best policy.

Re: What Had Happened Was..

Chuck — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 17:01:43 -0000

I think its defnitely better to tell partial information. Theres no need to tell everything all upfront. For one, you might scare the person away and 2) doesnt leave a lot of mystery for the person to be interested in you. I am definitely a victim of telling too much information too quick. I dont have a problem with telling the truth bc/ i never have anything to hide, so i just say whatever. But going forward I think its definitely a good idea to scale it back.. not saying to lie, bc/ thats gets you no where.. But just dont tell everything upfront. I'm a big fan of communication and i think its one the most important aspects of a solid relationship. But what do i know, bc/ im single my damnself.. lol.. just saying..

Re: What Had Happened Was..

Kat — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 14:28:56 -0000

I agree as well. I don't need for my partner to tell me the number of women he's been with because for me, that isn’t an indicator of character. What I do share openly are my experiences that have shaped me. With my current boyfriend, I’ve shared things that no other partner and/or friend knows and he’s admitted that my openness has made him love me even more.

Re: What Had Happened Was..

Duepayer — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 11:26:09 -0000

I agree with both ladies on this one. The less I know the better. At my age, I'm not naive enough to believe that I'm gonna be the first guy that turned out you in some way or made you feel a certain way. All I need to know is that your exclusive and committed to me, if that's our arrangement, and I'll learn more about who you really over time.

Re: What Had Happened Was..

Jasmine — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 11:22:35 -0000

I don't have the time right now to properly give the aforementioned topic its true justice. I personally feel that there are degrees and reasons for lying. People lie for the following reasons a) selfishness b) to protect the party who is being deceived c) to make themselves look better.

A little white lie about your past dating history isn't oh so bad. I have x number of sexual partners but its really y number"

But if it is a lie that is detrimental to the foundation of your relationship it can be problematic.

Jazz

Re: What Had Happened Was..

Johnna — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 11:21:21 -0000

Just the basics is the best advice one of my aunts gave me. The baggage from your past or why you acted a certain way in your past relationship should not enter your new relationship. Your new boyfriend or girlfriend only really want to know the basics no matter how much they try to pry deeper details out of you. Stick to the basics and you can avoid a lot of unnecessary arguments...trust me, I speak from experience...lol...

Re: What Had Happened Was..

Nene knows best — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 11:10:10 -0000

I think that if there is something that you are mentally and physically finished with in your past that it should stay in your past. But, if it is something that can potentially come back to haunt you.... you need to be upfront about it.. i.e crazy ex boyfriends, abortions, stds etc. There is no need to list how many people came before your current man, or what positions got you hot and bothered. Let him think that he is your one and only. Trust ... No man will let go of the thought of you being with 11 guys in the past year or you being a wild child before he met you. Once you give too many details he may fish for more and it could create a hole to deep to climb out of. Are you ok with that?

If not, stick to the basics of your pre-relationship lifestyle.

On the other hand...
Once you are in a monogomous relationship, honesty is the best policy. At that point lying or holding back information on your current status is not acceptable. You owe it to each other to be upfront about girls/boys nights, trips to a strip club, or just personal feelings on any topic. Once you lose trust you may never get it back.

Re: Pimpin IS Easy

Duepayer — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 23:09:19 -0000

This was a good piece. I thought that the general message was mostly agreeable. I especially sympathized with the fact that he's tired of giving advice to ppl who don't listen and that we all need to learn how to pimp the system and let it work for us. That's how the po get rich and the rich get wealthy

Re: Pimpin IS Easy

Kat — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 12:37:55 -0000

Hmmmm a lot of this I can agree with, especially the "stop settling for less than you want" one. You can never change anyone for good. Permenant growth and change only comes when someone is ready and does it for their own reasons. Also, there is definitely a rampant Wendy Will Syndrome with ladies dubbing a lot of brothas as down lowers....Can't front I've been guilty. Hey, call it like I see it.

This convo reminds me of that new Steve Harvey book. If anyone wants a free e-copy let me know.

Re: Pimpin IS Easy

D. Williams — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 11:36:23 -0000

nice....My Dad's an Omega.

I agree it takes a lot to be a wife/life partner. You have to know how to "bend in the wind but not break"...and it nice to be swept away in the production of marital ceremony so long as you come down from the high with the meaning of it as fuel. I think it's good practice to renew vows.

"Beyonce Syndrome"... Women should ALWAYS celebrate their accomplishments because historically no one else will. Don't ever relinquish Self Love to make someone else comfortable.

Pimp or Hoe... applying to all, mmmm...not really. Life is a lot more complex than this microcosm with a two part cast...its arguable that you must only assume either role. Even the Pimp/Hoe dynamic requires other characters to exist.

Thank you,

Re: Cheaters…never…win?

Duepayer — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 16:49:30 -0000

Yeah, I agree. Its not always that deep. Sometimes its just enticing and you feel like adding a lil spice to your life. But yeah, I think we may have beaten and dragged this one thru the streets. lol